So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
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I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
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I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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