phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
