I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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