Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
