Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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