life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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