I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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