it was like his penis was on wheels.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
