i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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