I'm gonna have a badass scar
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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