Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
