Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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