Kareoke will never be a sober sport
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
