I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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