she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
