this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
