I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
