i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
