Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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