Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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