Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
