hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
