bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
