i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
