i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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