Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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