I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
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nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
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You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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