I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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