Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my mouth tastes like poor choices
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
