its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
