i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
