just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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