Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
