he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
