I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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