I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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