I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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