the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
