you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
