...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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