She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
