Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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