I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
