I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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