Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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