he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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