Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
