I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
