Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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