I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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