there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
