I want to have your abortion
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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