I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
