So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
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