The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Randomize
