I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
