So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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